Ralph is so excited to become a daddy, you guys! “At first, I was like, ‘I can’t be a daddy,’” says Ralph of his pending adoption with life partner, Daniel. “But then I was all, ‘Well, it might be kind of fun to be the daddy for a change. And I do have TONS of experience with spanking. LOL.’”
Ralph claims the fathers-to-be knew they’d be together forever on their very first date, a benefit for the Herring Park Community Players where Ralph was appearing in the role of “A Tenor” in the HPCP production of Oklahoma!. “Everyone was dancing and having a great time. But, Daniel was huddled in the corner on his cell phone looking grumpy. And I was like, ‘Get a load of her.’”
The couple plans
to finalize the adoption within the month.
Ever since she won the 1986 Hooper County most Talented Toddler contest, Sepna Baatacharia has been literally bursting with life.
At age 19, Sepna was voted Hooper High School’s “Minority most Likely to Succeed,” and she quickly earned scholarships to many very impressive schools. “I took this semester off for personal reasons,” explains Baatacharia, “But when I get back on campus, I’m totally going to rock Sigma Sigma Nu 2006!!!! So taste it, bitches! Oh, and I’m looking forward to our fundraiser for the Katrina people.”
Of her plans for the future, Baatacharia adds, “I don’t know. What are you doing tomorrow night?”
Julia wants everyone to know that, if you find yourself “in a family way,” you have “options.” You are a “precious child” of “Mother Nature,” and you deserve a “hug.”
A graduate of Benedictine University with degrees in Social Work and French, Julia spent two years in Orlando with Teach for America. “The kids were little blessings,” coos Julia. “But the roaches were the size of S.U.V.’s”
Julia also worked for five years as a Toddler Grief Management Counselor at a the Herring Park Sport and Tennis Club. “The kids have so much to deal with these days.”
Love to Mom,
Bitsy, and Boots!!
Ralph and Daniel have finally found a woman who will have a baby for them. Sepna’s perfect, she’s beautiful, she’s willing to let the two men raise the baby as they see fit, and, best of all, she hand picked them out of a line up of “normal” couples.
On the glorious day of Sepna’s delivery, their adoption counselor, Julia, readies Ralph and Daniel for the eminent joy that awaits them.
But, when Sepna gives birth to the ugliest baby they have ever seen, there’s a mad dash to back out of having to raise what is inexplicably the world’s most hideous miniature bundle of wrinkles.
Wickedly funny, incredibly timely, and refreshingly irreverent, FIVE HUNDRED SIXTY FOUR THINGS TO DO WITH A PEANUT takes a comic look at the expectations we put on parenthood, race, sexual orientation, etiquette, and beauty.
UGLY BABY • firstname.lastname@example.org